Letting go..

Many years ago, for the first time when a friend said to me " learn to let go, do not try to be in control all the time", somehow the words stuck on in my mind for I saw some wisdom in it. How much within me or around me can i really control and do i really need to control arrogating myself that I know what is best for me or those around me?

Responsibility has a direct correlation with letting go..I feel responsible for the way my child turns out with years of my care and investment in him/her. If I let go all too easily ( in other words escape from the responsibility of raising the child) and start pandering to every tantrum thrown, I do not feel responsible enough for his/her long term well being. Today ironically after 19 years of parenting, i feel the need more and more to let go ( not because of the magical number 18 that makes one officially "adult") but may be because I have nurtured the little one enough, faltering sufficiently or so it seems today despite trying hard to inculcate so many habits that I deeply value. I see a highly individualistic person who i admire for so many things that I am not and will never be! She is herself, she is no clone of mine( thank God!). I needed to learn to let go early enough and steadily do more of the same to nurture the free spirit in my child that is not a replica of mine. I pay a price for having developed a contrasting individual sharing the same roof as me.

I admire her secretly for all that she is that I can never give myself the freedom to be! I mock at her secretly for trying so hard to be so unlike me.. I encourage her silently, not chiding her so much, for all that she braves to be that I still don't dare. I argue incessantly with her when she insists on being all that i never would, but funnily i don't try to change her for I value the fact that she dares to be herself. I secretly feel confident that she is quite ready to face the world on her own if need be..What more would we want for our children??

On the same topic...one of the most powerful lines I heard in the movie Black swan where the protagonist aiming to perfect her skills as a ballet dancer is told by her coach " Mastery is not just about perfecting skills but equally to do with one's ability to let go..." WOW..I loved it...and personally for me in the context of music, it is just bang on.

Relationships

Relationships are fillers..fillers of empty spaces within. When I say filler, I just mean it factually and not in any derogatory or frivolous sense. I don't mean just relationships between people..I mean relationships covering the whole gamut..Relationship with emotions, with pursuit of knowledge, relationship with children, relationship to a spiritual guru, relationship to one's work, to one's pet, to one's aspirations, relationship to monetary power, prestige, to one's beliefs, to one's actions etc etc. Whether articulated and comprehended or not, the "other" in the relationship is given as much status (read importance) as the empty space demands..in other words, as much importance as there is a need to fill that.

Been pondering over this for a while now..one's relationship with oneself. What makes someone think/say/do/not do a certain something. At the base of it has to be something which is the basis of a relationship with one's own needs. At the base of that is likely to be his/ her own life experiences which have led to those basic needs to get fulfilled/ satiated.

May life unfold in its own time to give answers to these wonderments..

Power

Someone says something loaded in a possible attempt to rub in a gentle message in an opportunistic way..someone says something primarily taking care of their self interest first and twisting their need to sound like yours..Someone says something in an attempt to flatter as prework for enjoying some favours later. Someone calls after ages and has a long winded conversation only to insert one last point, btw.."I wanted to check something with you...." Someone says something for which I feel a temptation to respond to further it since I seem to like what I just heard...

And this from a person who essentially bases life on the formula of "Trust first, unless proved guilty "

The awareness is enjoyable..it gives me a certain sense of power at being able to choose how I wish to respond to these. Succumb spontaneously or take little more time to choose my response? Succumbing spontaneously could involve giving it back in a fitting manner ( a punitive location to feel the power from getting even) or say yes in a weak moment (and then feel a victim to manipulation) or enjoy the flattery in the moment (and feel used later) or feel touched at being remembered fondly only to feel bugged that there was a hidden agenda after all...The residual feeling that any of these would leave is nothing great..

In the moment, I have started detaching myself and observing the process as a spectator..makes me less judgmental, less reactive, more aware and choose my response so as to not let the situation / person affect me..loving it this way..

I like the sense of power I am able to exercise over myself and the situation..

And this from someone who has always been described as being gullible..