Moments to live for..

Romance is not with you, it is with myself and my creator called 'LIFE'

It started with the unaware cry I gave out at birth while starting to breathe after the mother weaned me from her womb

Romance with those 4 precious make believe toys I possessed

The air plane which opened one door to the air hostess popping out

That doll named Krisi whose golden hair kept growing

Those furry chappals that carried me to fairy land whenever I wished

The little brown doggie with 2 batteries in her tummy but never barked..she spoke to me with her twinkling eyes and red tongue

The little tiny room in the corner that housed these 4 dear friends of mine where I had my secret conversations with them

The walks into the garden, my make believe woods where I dreamt I got lost

My conversations with the flowers and mangoes and black ants that I met on my way

The peep into the well and the stories that flooded my mind

The role plays sitting on the potty seat where lemonade and grape juice flowed from the taps, that made the private moments cheerful

The broken rocking chair that turned into a life boat in a storm

The broken tea set that was put to good use sitting in the attic and throwing a party to imaginary guests

The day dreams that I so looked forward to on days I wasn't rushed off to school

In my teens, my conversations with the moon that shone on my lover in a different city from the same sky

The tears of insecurity shed to my doggie in confession and trust

All the catharsis on paper to be crushed and cast away

The list goes on and on.

You happened to meet me mid way somewhere?.. join me for however long you are meant to

Life goes on as colorful as ever..

Romance is a philosophy and first nature, only for those who were blessed by the fairy God Mother.

Letting go..

Many years ago, for the first time when a friend said to me " learn to let go, do not try to be in control all the time", somehow the words stuck on in my mind for I saw some wisdom in it. How much within me or around me can i really control and do i really need to control arrogating myself that I know what is best for me or those around me?

Responsibility has a direct correlation with letting go..I feel responsible for the way my child turns out with years of my care and investment in him/her. If I let go all too easily ( in other words escape from the responsibility of raising the child) and start pandering to every tantrum thrown, I do not feel responsible enough for his/her long term well being. Today ironically after 19 years of parenting, i feel the need more and more to let go ( not because of the magical number 18 that makes one officially "adult") but may be because I have nurtured the little one enough, faltering sufficiently or so it seems today despite trying hard to inculcate so many habits that I deeply value. I see a highly individualistic person who i admire for so many things that I am not and will never be! She is herself, she is no clone of mine( thank God!). I needed to learn to let go early enough and steadily do more of the same to nurture the free spirit in my child that is not a replica of mine. I pay a price for having developed a contrasting individual sharing the same roof as me.

I admire her secretly for all that she is that I can never give myself the freedom to be! I mock at her secretly for trying so hard to be so unlike me.. I encourage her silently, not chiding her so much, for all that she braves to be that I still don't dare. I argue incessantly with her when she insists on being all that i never would, but funnily i don't try to change her for I value the fact that she dares to be herself. I secretly feel confident that she is quite ready to face the world on her own if need be..What more would we want for our children??

On the same topic...one of the most powerful lines I heard in the movie Black swan where the protagonist aiming to perfect her skills as a ballet dancer is told by her coach " Mastery is not just about perfecting skills but equally to do with one's ability to let go..." WOW..I loved it...and personally for me in the context of music, it is just bang on.

Relationships

Relationships are fillers..fillers of empty spaces within. When I say filler, I just mean it factually and not in any derogatory or frivolous sense. I don't mean just relationships between people..I mean relationships covering the whole gamut..Relationship with emotions, with pursuit of knowledge, relationship with children, relationship to a spiritual guru, relationship to one's work, to one's pet, to one's aspirations, relationship to monetary power, prestige, to one's beliefs, to one's actions etc etc. Whether articulated and comprehended or not, the "other" in the relationship is given as much status (read importance) as the empty space demands..in other words, as much importance as there is a need to fill that.

Been pondering over this for a while now..one's relationship with oneself. What makes someone think/say/do/not do a certain something. At the base of it has to be something which is the basis of a relationship with one's own needs. At the base of that is likely to be his/ her own life experiences which have led to those basic needs to get fulfilled/ satiated.

May life unfold in its own time to give answers to these wonderments..

Power

Someone says something loaded in a possible attempt to rub in a gentle message in an opportunistic way..someone says something primarily taking care of their self interest first and twisting their need to sound like yours..Someone says something in an attempt to flatter as prework for enjoying some favours later. Someone calls after ages and has a long winded conversation only to insert one last point, btw.."I wanted to check something with you...." Someone says something for which I feel a temptation to respond to further it since I seem to like what I just heard...

And this from a person who essentially bases life on the formula of "Trust first, unless proved guilty "

The awareness is enjoyable..it gives me a certain sense of power at being able to choose how I wish to respond to these. Succumb spontaneously or take little more time to choose my response? Succumbing spontaneously could involve giving it back in a fitting manner ( a punitive location to feel the power from getting even) or say yes in a weak moment (and then feel a victim to manipulation) or enjoy the flattery in the moment (and feel used later) or feel touched at being remembered fondly only to feel bugged that there was a hidden agenda after all...The residual feeling that any of these would leave is nothing great..

In the moment, I have started detaching myself and observing the process as a spectator..makes me less judgmental, less reactive, more aware and choose my response so as to not let the situation / person affect me..loving it this way..

I like the sense of power I am able to exercise over myself and the situation..

And this from someone who has always been described as being gullible..

For you..my inspiration!

I dreamt of a rainbow I could lay my hands on..

Its arched beautiful back beyond the far horizon

I swam steadfast in the deep blue sea

Encountering many a school of colour and splendour



Some friendly some wary some daring some menacing

All attractive and Scary.. I could not stop myself from playing with them all

We tided together through highs and lows, bristling between life and death

Enjoying the caresses of flora and fauna through the expansive waves



An elusive mirage, the horizon did I reach in vain

Mom, did you say I dare not look beyond where the rainbow shone

Since you knew I would never reach it, or,

In your wisdom, you knew everything came back in circles



Mom silent, I cut from her secure umbilicus

For my being demands that I live no longer on borrowed grey matter

I dread the moment when the huge wave took me by surprise

And I open my eyes into the deep blue sea and see the colors engulf my being


Searching beyond where it doesnt exist, how long would you waste

Lest you 'exist' being safe and sound but not 'live' through that every mile

Of what use is it in this life that is given on a short term lease

Come pay that tax of fear, hurt and misery


Be you, not what you are asked to be

Be your rainbow, may it not fade as a distant dream

Drink on life, not stop with memorising the verses of your religious texts

Be your GOD ..LIVE your own zen commandments!

A Stance revisited..

Barriers and Boundaries..bore through to break new ground, sprout out with new born life..when the time comes, nothing can stop life from taking form..We mortal humans think that we are in control..such is our illusion.

Life decides when to be born..for a new life to be born, something else dies..may be a myth, may be a stance, may be a fixation, may be a prejudice, may be a very real fear.. or may be just a touch could sow the seed for you..allow yourself to be touched by anyone, anything, an animal, a person rich or poor, may be by an experience where you generously give and receive with your heart, may be by just honestly accepting what is without pretences...or may be someone will come your way just when you are looking to be born or ready to be reborn or re reborn..am i making sense..yes, to me i am..

May the beauty of not comprehending some things in life remain forever thus for what has to be comprehended has been at this time..anything more that I try to comprehend will lead to a theory and theories there are a million anyway..

An ode to my Guru..20 years today!

It was the first hard hitting blow that I experienced in my life. My dear Guru DKJ Sir who i reverred just too much was just gone one morning after teaching us the previous evening...literally till his last breath. Such was his passion for teaching and commitment to his students. I remember that i took his passing away very very badly..

Today, after 20 years, my Guru lives on and on..this is the truth about legends!
Incomparable voice, style, precision and so much more..I don't dare to hear some of his specialities being sung by anyone else..I just can't..period.

I get much affirmation for the kind of teacher I am today..I honestly owe it all to my Guru..the infectious energy and passion for music that we students drew from him was not as obvious then, as it is to me now, and I see him living on in my untiring spirit and eagerness to teach children and help pass on the richness of our tradition that I was blessed to imbibe. I realised that I don't even question the motivation in me in going through even the beginner's lessons over and over again with every new student..The passion for teaching music must have just got inherited from the greatest teacher of all times...my dearest DKJ sir..he is truly immortal!